Saturday, November 01, 2003
And today I woke up alone,wishing you were here with me
It's Saturday which means theres nothing to look forward to. Well babysitting tonight, thats gonna be fun. I mean last week I had the Ataris concert to look forward to but this week theres nothing. Which toally sucks.
I'd probably describe yesterday as one of the worst days of my life in awhile. Since about this summer. Thats really a long time for me not to have a shitty day though. So Thursday I couldn't swim in my swim meet once again because of my damn nose ring, and then I got home and sat. Which led me to thinking more and more.
God do I hate sitting alone.
I ended up talking to Sam and nothing good came from that.
Now last night was shitty too. I love Gummy to death but she can be so damn annoying sometimes and I don't get it. So I hung out with her and Hogan and all those "radical" PR people. I ended up driving Gummy and her friends around everywhere and then when I asked her for gas money she said she'd pay me later. Which I know will never happen. So I went to Subway and me and Sam hung out all night.
All I wanted was a fucking pumpkin to carve, but no.
They either didn't have them for sale anymore, they were too small or some fucking guy told me that I had to put it back. I didn't want to steal a pumkin I just wanted one to carve. So that idea got fucked over along with me and Sam on our fun times.
And thats what put me over the edge, so I drove until Sam asked me to stop so we could talk. We ended up sitting in Eagle's parking lots for awhile and I just cried and cried and cried. I don't think I've cried that much in wow, along time. So then we finally decided to go somewhere. Both debating leaving Crystal Lake for the night and go to Canada or Missouri :'( We drove to the end of Terra Cotta and then each went home.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh...San Dimas High School Football Rules and I don't mix right now
Well so now I'm sitting crying and just need a fucking hug. And blah I don't know. But I was thinking about it and my best friend hates me, John moved to Montana, Sam and I are no longer, Tristan doesn't believe anything that I say... what other friends do I have? I hate it, my life and all just for now.
My eyes burn from these tears you think you'd learn over these years good things won't last forever
Posted at 11/1/2003 11:54:00 am by SylentScreems
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Now that your by my side,A smile I will provide
Oh man things are getting better. Well Tristan still doesn't believe anything that I say to him and Sam Hoffmann still hates my guts...BUT...me and Sam are better. :) And I found a pumpkin for him and I to carve so I'm excitied about that. Rented The Virgin Suicides last night and it's so good but then as I watched it it made me miss my blood, but I guess thats something that I'm going to have to overcome... because there is no way I'm going to fall into that again. I have to stay as far away from it as I can. Song change....The Early November is gawdly! Me and Kacy bought Brand New tickets last night and I'm excitied because Brand New is sooo good. But I don't think my parents are going to let me go considering what happened to my sisters friend last time, so I have to think up an excuse for that one... but over time it will come to me. Well for now I'm going to go and wash my face because its digusting. And call John, see how he is or if he is home yet, I MISS JOHN!
Posted at 11/2/2003 1:59:22 pm by SylentScreems
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Yesterday, the day straight from hell...countinued today
Yesterday I wasn't allowed to stay in school because I had tried to commit suicide in the bathroom, so they didn't want it done at school, so I got picked up by my dad. Who took me to my doctor to see what they wanted to me do to. I got there about 2 o'clock and ended up having to go to the Emergency Room to see if I needed to be hospitalized. It took my dad and I until 5:45 to talk them out of making me stay overnight at some random hospital because theres was closed at that point. Finally I got home about 6:30. When we got home I had to give my dad all of my sharp objects that I had hidden in my room and anything that I had used in the past to cut myself with. But still didn't know what was going on with me, only knowing that I wasn't allowed in school. So this morning my dad went to the school and talked to the consueler. They talked and I was supposed to go to either St. Joes or Centegra today to get evaluated for which program I need to go into to get help. Either a 1-3 day overnight, a weeklong program that goes from 9-3:30 during the day, or one thats about a week that goes from 3:30-6:30 at night. I never ended up going to either of those places. I went to work with dad and drove out to Chiago with him. Got home about 2 o'oclock today planning on going to Healthbridge. I asked my parents why I wasn't allowed to drive but threw the word "fucking" in there somewhere. My dad came after me and freaked out, he basically went ape on me. We drove to the post-office, dropped off my thank you cards, and came home. He yelled at me the whole time and told me a whole bunch of shit that I really wasn't listening to. First of all because I couldn't hear a fucking thing since he had hit me so hard 5 minutes before and I didn't give a shit what he was saying because he always just sits and repeats himself over and over. When we got home he came up to my room and took the door off and went through all of my stuff and took anything he thought I could hert myself with, including my cds. My mom made me become her slave and I had to clean everything in sight that had ever been touched. Now I reek of bleach. All I want is to get the fuck out of here and see Sam.
I don't know thats the basic parts of it. I'm sure that you don't care about the whole thing so I'm not wasting my time typing it.
Posted at 11/4/2003 4:18:28 pm by SylentScreems
If the doors are closed, don't open them
I don't understand why people think it's cool to get involved in other peoples lives. Who really cares? It's none of your buisness. This is basically directed at two people that got all in my buisness, changed it a little bit and made me sound like a raging freak. For all of you know what I'm talking about, don't you agree? Seriously, if it doesn't concern you then stay the fuck out of it. This isn't this first time all of this has happened, they do it all the time. So, I'm done sharing things with people who I can't trust anymore. It's bullshit and you should be able to trust people that you call your friends, but I guess that people these days are fucking stupid and have to tell everyone, everything that they hear. Whatever, it was their choice, not mine to share all of this information with the world and so I'm making a choice to keep to myself rather then talk to them. And then maybe all of these god damned rumors will stop getting started about me by people who claim to call themselves my friends, and peopel who are worried about me and my condition.
Posted at 11/4/2003 10:16:53 pm by SylentScreems
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
I got what I needed to get through the day, It was a smile from you
At school and just finished bio, what fun but I still don't know if I'm allowed to be here. Talked to the consuler( everytime I write that word I wonder if I'm spelling it right, am I?) anyways and she wants me to go down there during my lunch period, forget that. Theres not a chance in hell I'm gonna go and sit in her office for another minute. I mean gessh, I was happy to come to school today and trust me it wasn't for my classes, to see people and not feel like I was caged up in my house any longer. But whatever. Well I got to school and heard some more of the things that were said about me from my "friends." Seriously, where do they get off saying all this crap about me to other people. Well, I saw my Samantha Hoffmann and got a big hug from her, which made me feel a lot better. So that was all good. And after adding some different things to this last night I told Sam about it and he read it and it made him happy, so thats enough for me to go on another day. I mean seriously, people think they need to hand me the world but all I really want is something to keep me going... something small no matter what it is. And knowing that I can make Sam happy from one small thing that I do then...it's good enough for me. Going to meet some new doctor at 4:30 today and I don't wanna go at all. So I'll have something interesting to talk about later...well then later is when you will get to hear more from me. And all I've got left to say is...LEAVE ME SOME COMMENTS DAMNIT!
Posted at 11/5/2003 10:49:10 am by SylentScreems
Thursday, November 06, 2003
You walk away from me, And I turn to cry
Went and saw that lady and didn't come back to talk about it. Since I'm sure you all were dying to know how that went. HA. I hate this, having to talk to so many different people about my damn problems. How many people am I going to have to tell my story until I am done. I'm at about 20 or so. And yesterday I had to start by telling my lifestory starting in January. So much has happened to me since then and in that amount of time. I don't wanna go anymore, if anything I want to go back and see Tracy.
After that Sam and I hung out and we FINALLY got to carve our pumpkin! And I got my ice cream! What an amazing night. I can't hang out with him again until like Monday but then yesterday I found out that the Silent Fighting show was canceled so that means that Sam and I can hang out on Friday. And guess what? Thats our 7 month anniversary. WooHoo!
Yesterday I went to talk to Tristan but the entire thing thing for thrown in my face. He actually closed the door in my face too so it really did work out that way. I wanna be friends with him so badly and he doesn't seem to understand that, he asked me why I wanted to be friends with him so badly, but gessh why wouldn't I? He's such an amazing kid. And I don't know...he just is. So I'm kinda sitting and hoping that all of that works out for me.
Posted at 11/6/2003 9:05:15 am by SylentScreems
Saturday, November 08, 2003
Smiles on their faces so hard to surpress, Letting fears get in the way
No ones online, I've no where to go and everyone in my house is still asleep. This sucks. Nothing to do...but my pink eye is pretty much almost gone. I'm not sure if I ever even had it and if I did it wasn't that bad.
I was talking to my mom though and she said that I maybe get my door back soon, which is super good. I'm in a real good mood today and I'm not sure why. Sitting listening to By A Thread isn't the most exciting thing I've ever done. But today I guess it's working for me. Getting my hair cut today and not sure how yet, maybe short I don't know. I really wanted to grow it out long enough for it to cover my boobs and then I wouldn't have to wear a shirt, it'd be super cool. Like in that one Alanis Morisette music video. But maybe not....not sure yet. Oh man, I'm getting my eye brows waxed today, thats so amazing! I'm real excicited about that...they look so bad!
Had a fun time last night, hanging out with Sam, Shanna, Todd and Cody. Wasn't expecting it to be that much fun just because Todd hates me so much and then he was being nice so I was like, W()w! No one is online which means nothing to do. Bah! I hate this. I feel like shopping, like whenever I don't have any money I A L W A Y S wanna go shopping...and now I don't have money and thats why. Well now I'm just rambling on and on with things that are going through my head and I'm sure no one cares.
Oh and Tristan, I'm finally wearing your "hoodie!"
*I tried to make it pretty but failed...:'(*
Posted at 11/8/2003 10:17:19 am by SylentScreems
Sunday, November 09, 2003
HERE YOU ARE : MY WONDERFUL PAGE OF ANGER...I WILL LET YOU KNOW RITE NOW THAT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T EXSIST THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS PAGE....I HATE PEOPLE!
MORGAN'S ANGER LIST:
::pe()ple::
::s()cks::
::br()ken pencil tips::
::the number f()ur in spanish::
::pe()ple::
::n()n-believers::
Posted at 11/9/2003 12:32:19 am by SylentScreems
I fake the way I hold you, and pretend to kiss you like I mean it
I was just sitting and thinking why are people constantly trying to make other people do things that they don't want to do? Why don't then just do it themselves? I mean seriously. I don't really know where I'm trying to take this but I know what I'm trying to say. Like your parents and making you go to church and that sort of stuff, they know that I don't care what the people there have to say so why should I go and even waste an hour listening to them?? And then everyone always says...well, it's only an hour, once a week. Who cares...it's still an hour that I could be sleeping. Yeah sleep is over rated as well, but so is sex...well no I take that one back. What would I do without sex?
Oh man I just found out that Hannah and Chad are going out. Where'd that come from? I thought maybe I'd hear at least the slightest bit of it around school, but no nothing. Man, wow! Oh wait, not that long...since Friday so nothing to worry about. Maybe I should start talking to people again to see whats going on. I don't talk to anyone anymore, I sit and take in what people say, barely listening a lot of the time...and then saying I have friends, whats that? Oh well I'm giving up on people and making my life good again, cuz it's gonna take more then I am willing to give.
Got to hang out with Jay and Danny and a lot of those people that I never get to see. Like Greg and Zach and man it was great. I need to start branching out on my friends, yeah. This weekend was a good one. I mean I saw some Shanna in there too. It was fun. And I got initiated as a hot chocolate kid by Jay so that was good. You know being an official member and all. Thats enough to make you wanna smile now,don't it?
::Goodnite::
Posted at 11/9/2003 11:08:22 pm by SylentScreems
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I stole this from Shanna, thought it'd give me something to say
:name:Morgan
:backwards:nagrom (nag-rom)
:Does your name mean anything?:Thinks alot,thats what I got out of it
:Were you named after anyone?:Nope
:Nickname(s): Moogie,Morgie
:Place of birth:St Louis
:Current location:Crystal Lake
:Height:5'3''
:Shoe size:7 1/2-8
:Hair color:Brown
:Eye color:Blue
:What do you look like?:A girl with hair
:Righty, lefty, or ambidextrous?:Righty
:How old are you mentally?:Not sure,ask someone else
:What are your best qualities:None
Do You Have...
:Any sisters:Elle,Annie and Maddi
:Any brothers:Nope
:Any pets:Yes,Bob the dawg and some bunny
:A disease:Nope
:A pager:Nope
:A personal phone number:Yeah
:A leather jacket with studs on it?:Oh just wait you'll see me in it someday
:A heroin needle:Nope
:A pool or hot tub:Hot tub
:A Car:Yeah,Jeep
Describe Your...
:Personality:"Morgan"
:Driving:Amazing,obviously
:Car or one you want:I like my car
:Room:Light Blue with dark blue ceiling with stars :)
:School:Sucks
:Relationship with your parent(s):Okay,Sometimes have one-sometimes don't
Do You...
:Believe in yourself?:Depends on what it is
:Believe in love at first sight?:Yeah
:Consider yourself a good listener:When I care I listen when I don't I don't listen
:Consider yourself a good friend:To some
:Get along with your parents:Sometimes
:Save your e-mail or conversations:Not recently
:Believe in reincarnation:Nope
:Like to make fun of people:Always,if I didn't I would have nothing to say
:Like to talk on the phone:Nope,but I do
:Like to drive:Sometimes,when I'm going somewhere fun
:Get motion sickness:Nope
:Eat chicken fingers with a fork:Why would you ever do a silly thing like that?
:Dream in color:Yes
:Type with your fingers on home row:Nope,I tried using my toes one time,that was hawt
Sleep with stuffed animals:Nope
What was/is(or Are)...
:Right next to you:A tree
:On your mouse pad:Black Bubbles
:Your dream car:I don't have one
:Your bedtime:When I want to go to bed
:Under your bed:Carpet,maybe some other stuff,I don't know
:Your bad time of the day:When I'm sitting alone,bored
:The weirdest food or drink that you like?Eggs with Rasberry jelly,yummmy
:The hardest thing about growing up?Staying alive
Favorite...
:Number:5
:Color:Green
:Day:Saturday or Friday
:Month:October or July
:Song:A lot:San Dimas HS Football Rules,Song For A Broken Heart and IOU One Galaxy
:Movie:The Wedding Singer
:Food:Hot Chocolate and Wendy's
:Band:The Ataris,A Static Lullaby and By a Thread
:Season:Autumn
Sport:Swimming
:Class:None,going home
:Animal:Penguin
Love + Relationships...
:Do you have a bf/gf?:Yeah,Sam
:Do you have a crush?:Yeah,Tristan
:How long have you liked him/her?:Like 8 months or so
:Why do you like this person?Cause he's amazing
:If you're single...why are you single?:
:If you're not single... give details:Details on what?
:How long was your longest relationship?:7 months,however long me and Sam have been together
:How long was your shortest relationship?:Like 3 days,I don't know
The Past...
:Who is the last person you saw?:My sister,Elle
:Who is the last person you kissed?:Sam
:Who is the last person you hugged?:Sam
:Who is the last person you fought with?My mom
:Who is the last person you were on the phone with?:Jay
:What is the last TV show you saw?That 70's Show
The Present...
:What are you wearing?:Black shorts and a striped shirt
:What are you doing?:Sitting on my floor,typing
:Who are you talking to?No one
:What song are you listening to?:Rough Draft By:Yellowcard
:Where are you?My house
:Who are you with?:Myself
:How are you feeling?:Like I need some hot chocolate
:Are you in a chatroom?:Nope,those people scare me
The Future...
:What day is it tomorrow?:Wednesday
:What are you going to do after this?:Make hot chocolate and paint my nails
:Who are you going to talk to?People,if I want to
:Where are you going to go?:Maybe Wendy's later and the mall
:How old will you be when you graduate?:18
:What do you want to be?:Physchologist
:Where will you be in 25 years?:Missouri :)
Have You Ever...
:Drank?:Yeah
:Smoked?:Yeah
:Stole?:Yeah
:Done anything illegal?:Yeah,had sex before I was 16 :)
:Wanted to die?:Yeah
:Hit someone?:Yeah
Etc..
:Do you write in cursive or print?:Print
:Do you drive?:Yeah
:Do you have glasses or braces?:Glasses,but I never wear them
Posted at 11/11/2003 11:35:59 am by SylentScreems
|
|
|
Sitting in the corner, I see you from the side of my eye, Wishing you were closer, Hoping he'll become furthur, Drowning him with thoughts of you, Rescue me, And hold me close, With arms spread forever, Maybe it will last this long, As long as we remember, This is just a dream. -Morgan
To Sam, because I love you... San Dimas High School Football Rules-The Ataris Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland, Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line. I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms. We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two. Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you. Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist... These are the things that make me free I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me" This night was too good to be true. Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me, I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be. Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show, But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go. Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true? I just want you to know I have a major crush on you. I'd drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do I'd even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you. I only wish that this could be Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me I swear I'd treat you like a queen.
Hands Down By: Dashboard Confessional Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me. This night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race, from self control. Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all. My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer. The words are hushed lets not get busted; just lay entwined here, undiscovered. Safe in here, from all the stupid questions. "hey did you get some?" Man, that is so dumb. Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear... so we can get some. My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer. Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late and this walk that we shared together. The streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and let you in. And you stood at the door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it. And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it, that you meant it, and I knew, that you meant it, that you meant it.
Fishing For Love -Morgan Well you hooked my heart, And you reeled it in, As you tore me from the hook, You watched my blood drain out, Told your friends I wasn't good enough, And threw me back in.
I.O.U. One Galaxy By: The Ataris The stars are out tonight, And you're the brightest one shining in my sky. It's like every wish I ever made came true. The day I woke up lying next to you. Will you be my best friend? If I offered you my heart? 'Cause it's already yours. We could hang out every night and watch the sun go down. As long as we could watch it rise again. Gave me a valentine. It's these little things that stand the test of time. I've saved the tickets from the shows that we've been to and a thousand other memories of you. Will you be my best friend? If I offered you my heart? 'Cause it's already yours. Gave you this I.O.U. today, it said good for one galaxy. Once I build my rocket to the stars, we'll fly away just you and me.
I'm so different from them, They look no further than the surface, I feel so lonely,sad and scared, I don't want to die, But I can't take this. -Morgan
Contact Me
|
|