Sunday, October 12, 2003
Sometimes I feel like I could fall off the face of the Earth

So last night started as such a great night but then it headed south.  I think I fucked everything up with me and Sam, and then again with me and Tristan.  I went out and sat with Sam and Tristan while they skated and then proceeded to come home and sit.  I ended up sitting on Tristan's couch for the night while getting it on.  No not really, but you know what I'm getting at.  The night ended with me coming home around 12 to see that my poor little tree had fallen over and that no one in my house cares about me since they didn't to care if I even came home last night. 
So I came to see who was online, and ended up talking to Sam on the phone till 1:30.  It would most likely be better said as him yelling and me listening, but both work.  Me and Sam are really growing apart lately and it's showing more than ever.  But whatever is going to happen will happen for a reason. 
I went to the mall to get a dress for homecoming today and it's so amazing.  I'm thinking that it might be the same one as Kacy but if it is then her dress is amazing.  I love my dress.  And I actually don't look fat in it.  Now all I must find is a date.  Thought I might go with Sam but then when I had my dress on and was twirling around pretending to be a wonderful princess I thought how it would be if I went with Tristan.  He's such a nice guy and all and I did hert him so much the other night.  I don't know just a thought.  I'm not sure whats going on with that yet though. 
So I was all not in a good mood this morning and then I started talking to Tristan and he wrote me the most amazing poem I've ever heard.  I love poetry and no one has EVER written me a poem before, I told him how much I liked it and how much it meant to me but I don't think that he understands how much it really does mean.  I wanted to cry when I read it.  I'm getting really excitied about the Ataris concert.  I think I'm going to cry.  I can't wait to go.  And I was all happy about seeing them at WARPED TOUR for 30 minutes, and now I get to go to THEIR concert.  Wow am I ever excitied. 
Tomarrows going to be one month without cutting and I'm really happy.  Kinda wish that John was home so I could talk to him about the whole thing, but it's cool.  He's getting the help that he needs and thats good.  Him moving to Montana's gonna make me cry a lot, I mean I thought Batavia was far...BUT MONTANA!  But oh well.  His sisters being stupid about the whole getting his address to me I think I'll have to take a baseball bat to her face and put her in the hospital.  All it is is a stupid address damnit. 
My lifes getting pretty exciting I just bet you are sitting on the edge of your seat right now waiting to see what I may come upon next.  NOT!

Posted at 10/12/2003 7:30:57 pm by SylentScreems
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Monday, October 13, 2003
Will you take my hand or will you turn away?

So last night Sam came over and we talked and I showed him my homecoming dress and he's like "Wow, that's cool.  Now all you need is a date."  So that ruined my little happiness for my dress.  But hey if he's gonna be like that then I'm gonna attempt to find someone else to go with.  Screw him.  Sorry about the visual.  Ha.  So me and him went over to his house and talked about everything that has been going on with us and things were better for awhile.  Until he brought me home and threw the Candyland board across the floor and stormed out of the room yelling "GO BE WITH TRISTAN YOU OBVIOUSLY CARE ABOUT HIM MORE THAN ME!"  Things went downhill from there.  This morning I woke up in my sister's bed and began reading my book.  Man I missed that, it was in my backpack when that got lost.  So I'm real happy it's been returned.  So yeah, I talked to Sam this morning and I think that since he's okay with everything then I should be as well.  And I'M NOT!  I don't wanna keep fighting with him, but whatever because were growing apart anyways so whatever.  Well one good thing for today.  My moms taking me to get my nose pierced.  It's my birthday present only 5 days late!  That's ok it's better than nothing which is what I got from my dad.  Oh AND...It's been one month since I last cut!  And I'm so proud of myself!  YIPPITY COW KYE EHY!

Posted at 10/13/2003 2:36:18 pm by SylentScreems
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Wednesday, October 15, 2003
The stars aren't even out tonight, but neither are we to look up at them

My computer sucks and it wouldn't let me on this site last night so I couldn't say anything yesterday.  But thats okay because theres not much to say other than it....well,ummm...SUCKED!  Well so I cleaned out my backpack today and then I found my A Static Lullaby tickets in my locker, man I thought I lost those.  So that was amazing that I found them.  I'm really thinking about quitting swimming, my coach (Man everytime I write that I always say couch) is such a fucking bitch and I'm not having any fun anymore at all...and I don't know.  Whatever.  I've got like the biggest meet of the year on Friday and I'm not in it...so that sucks hardcore.  But I get my lisense Friday or Satuday and I'm so excitied.  Oh man, and me and Sam are going to homecoming together no matter what happens with us, so thats like soooo amazing!  I'm really excitied.  Even though I did say before I didn't know if I wanted to or not, I really do now! :)  But so yeah, I was reading some of my away messages and I found this one and it's a Matchbook Romance song called Promise...It's amazing.


What would you say if I asked you not to go To forget everyone forget everything and start over with me Would you take my hand and never let me go promise me you'll never let me go And now the stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them why does hello feel like goodbye These memories can't replace These wishes I wish and dreams I chase Take this broken heart and make it right I feel like I've lost everything when your gone Left remembering what its like To have you here with me I thought you should know Your not making this easy I never thought I'd be the one to say "Please don't, please don't leave me" Take my hand and never let me go Take my hand and never let me go Promise me You'll never let go Make this last forever
Promise

I love it so much, I don't have much more that I want to say so I'm gonna publish this maybe adding more later,come people you suck at leaving messages for me, 'cept Tristan because he's the only one who has, so leave me some and tell me what you think lately.

Posted at 10/15/2003 7:06:02 pm by SylentScreems
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Tuesday, October 28, 2003
I see her walk by,You smile,Your smile goes so perfectly with her wave

                                             Look At What You Are Doing To Me?
I'm too lazy to type all this out, but heres what I've got to say:
1.) I love Sam Walker  a whole bunch
2.) Sam Hoffmann is a bitch
3.) I'm jealous of Sam and Tristan
4.) I'm never gonna get my school ID back
5.) I miss John sooo much
6.) Life sucks, so do people and I've got to learn to deal with it
7.) Best friends are bound to stab you in the back sooner or later
8.) I hate Spanish
9.) Jenna Wouters has a nice ass
10.) Tristan's a really good drawer
11.) I think Shanna only wants to hang out with because I have a car now
12.) Carly offcially hates me
13.) I have no car tomarrow :'(
14.) I'm quitting school pretty soon, I hate it
15.) I need a job
16.) Alex Vervynk is really pretty
17.) Alex Picard is a prick, Friends with Benefits
18.) A Static Lullaby is gawdly
19.) I don't believe in Gawd, why do I have to go to CCD?
20.) Do I wanna be happy, or am I doing it for everyone else?
21.) The varsity people on my swim team get special treatment, I hate it
22.) Sam Hoffmann does everything for attention
23.) I wonder what people really think of me?
24.) I need to loose some weight, I'm fat
25.) Elle's fat
26.) I'm gonna dress up as CatWomen for Hallowen
27.) Thongs are better then I thought, kinda comfy
28.) I'm finally going to see Silent Fighting on Satruday
29.) No one cares about what I have to say, I doubt they even read this

                                              
30.) SPOON OUT MY HEART

Posted at 10/28/2003 8:29:47 pm by SylentScreems
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Wednesday, October 29, 2003
This is the price that you pay

Sam's Fucking Gay!

Posted at 10/29/2003 12:19:36 am by SylentScreems
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She loves me not,She loves me,SHE LOVES ME NOT

So at school, man I can be cool just like Sam and write in this when I'm at school.  I told her how I felt last night thinking that we could possibly talk about things and maybe make things better, but obviously she's with Steve and he changes her attitudes on everything, including what she cares about and what she doesn't.  And I guess this is one of those things that he doesn't want her to care about or something.  Fuck her.  She told me that she is being a good friend to me and that she does care and all of this other shit, what the fuck is she talking about?  I'm just gonna sit and ramble on and on about what a bitch she is to me, so if you wanna stop reading I understand.  Maybe I'll let my anger out here...
                                                   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Seriously, this is going to sound really hyptcrytical but why does she find fun in making me feel ike shit and then I tell her I've gotta thing for Tristan and she goes for him.  Or I let her borrow something and it ends up with Steve, or how Steve comes before everyone in her life, and how she talks shit to people behind my back and then either lies about it or just decides that I don't need to know.  Yeah, thats the shit that would piss anyone off, but gesssh your best friend I thought maybe should be treated with a little at least a little better respect.  Eh whatever.  So yeah school definitly sucks and I wanna quit so badly.  Whatever fuck her,enough complaining, work needs to be done. 

So today is my last swim practice with my Hogan because she's better than me and she gets to go on the varisty and then JV is done today.  Can't say I'm not excitied about being done and not having to be at the Y until 10 o'clock at night and seeing the Nazi lifeguard every Monday and seeing my damn bitch of a coach but I'm going to sure miss seeing Miss Hogan in a bathing suit and all that stuff.

Damn my throat is killing me, like it actually has held me hostage with a knife up to itself.  Damn, I think I'm gonna go home or maybe find a corner, sit in it and cry.  LA DE DA...This is the end of my boring entry.

Posted at 10/29/2003 8:51:16 am by SylentScreems
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Saturday, November 01, 2003
And today I woke up alone,wishing you were here with me

It's Saturday which means theres nothing to look forward to.  Well babysitting tonight, thats gonna be fun.  I mean last week I had the Ataris concert to look forward to but this week theres nothing.  Which toally sucks. 
I'd probably describe yesterday as one of the worst days of my life in awhile.  Since about this summer. Thats really a long time for me not to have a shitty day though.  So Thursday I couldn't swim in my swim meet once again because of my damn nose ring, and then I got home and sat.  Which led me to thinking more and more. 
                                                God do I hate sitting alone
I ended up talking to Sam and nothing good came from that. 
Now last night was shitty too.  I love Gummy to death but she can be so damn annoying sometimes and I don't get it.  So I hung out with her and Hogan and all those "radical" PR people.  I ended up driving Gummy and her friends around everywhere and then when I asked her for gas money she said she'd pay me later.  Which I know will never happen.  So I went to Subway and me and Sam hung out all night. 
                             All I wanted was a fucking pumpkin to carve, but no. 
They either didn't have them for sale anymore, they were too small or some fucking guy told me that I had to put it back.  I didn't want to steal a pumkin I just wanted one to carve.  So that idea got fucked over along with me and Sam on our fun times.
And thats what put me over the edge, so I drove until Sam asked me to stop so we could talk.  We ended up sitting in Eagle's parking lots for awhile and I just cried and cried and cried.  I don't think I've cried that much in wow, along time.  So then we finally decided to go somewhere.  Both debating leaving Crystal Lake for the night and go to Canada or Missouri :'(  We drove to the end of Terra Cotta and then each went home.
              Ahhhhhhhhhhh...San Dimas High School Football Rules and I don't mix right now
Well so now I'm sitting crying and just need a fucking hug.  And blah I don't know.  But I was thinking about it and my best friend hates me, John moved to Montana, Sam and I are no longer, Tristan doesn't believe anything that I say... what other friends do I have?  I hate it, my life and all just for now.
  My eyes burn from these tears you think you'd learn over these years good things won't last forever

Posted at 11/1/2003 11:54:00 am by SylentScreems
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Sunday, November 02, 2003
Now that your by my side,A smile I will provide

Oh man things are getting better.  Well Tristan still doesn't believe anything that I say to him and Sam Hoffmann still hates my guts...BUT...me and Sam are better.  :)  And I found a pumpkin for him and I to carve so I'm excitied about that.  Rented The Virgin Suicides last night and it's so good but then as I watched it it made me miss my blood, but I guess thats something that I'm going to have to overcome... because there is no way I'm going to fall into that again.  I have to stay as far away from it as I can.  Song change....The Early November is gawdly!  Me and Kacy bought Brand New tickets last night and I'm excitied because Brand New is sooo good.  But I don't think my parents are going to let me go considering what happened to my sisters friend last time, so I have to think up an excuse for that one... but over time it will come to me.  Well for now I'm going to go and wash my face because its digusting.  And call John, see how he is or if he is home yet, I MISS JOHN!

Posted at 11/2/2003 1:59:22 pm by SylentScreems
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Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Yesterday, the day straight from hell...countinued today


        Yesterday I wasn't allowed to stay in school because I had tried to commit suicide in the bathroom, so they didn't want it done at school, so I got picked up by my dad.  Who took me to my doctor to see what they wanted to me do to.  I got there about 2 o'clock and ended up having to go to the Emergency Room to see if I needed to be hospitalized.  It took my dad and I until 5:45 to talk them out of making me stay overnight at some random hospital because theres was closed at that point.  Finally I got home about 6:30. When we got home I had to give my dad all of my sharp objects that I had hidden in my room and anything that I had used in the past to cut myself with. But still didn't know what was going on with me, only knowing that I wasn't allowed in school.  So this morning my dad went to the school and talked to the consueler.  They talked and I was supposed to go to either St. Joes or Centegra today to get evaluated for which program I need to go into to get help.  Either a 1-3 day overnight, a weeklong program that goes from 9-3:30 during the day, or one thats about a week that goes from 3:30-6:30 at night.  I never ended up going to either of those places.  I went to work with dad and drove out to Chiago with him.  Got home about 2 o'oclock today planning on going to Healthbridge.  I asked my parents why I wasn't allowed to drive but threw the word "fucking" in there somewhere.  My dad came after me and freaked out, he basically went ape on me.  We drove to the post-office, dropped off my thank you cards, and came home.  He yelled at me the whole time and told me a whole bunch of shit that I really wasn't listening to.  First of all because I couldn't hear a fucking thing since he had hit me so hard 5 minutes before and I didn't give a shit what he was saying because he always just sits and repeats himself over and over.  When we got home he came up to my room and took the door off and went through all of my stuff and took anything he thought I could hert myself with, including my cds.  My mom made me become her slave and I had to clean everything in sight that had ever been touched.  Now I reek of bleach.  All I want is to get the fuck out of here and see Sam.
    I don't know thats the basic parts of it.  I'm sure that you don't care about the whole thing so I'm not wasting my time typing it.

Posted at 11/4/2003 4:18:28 pm by SylentScreems
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If the doors are closed, don't open them

I don't understand why people think it's cool to get involved in other peoples lives.  Who really cares?  It's none of your buisness.  This is basically directed at two people that got all in my buisness, changed it a little bit and made me sound like a raging freak.  For all of you know what I'm talking about, don't you agree?  Seriously, if it doesn't concern you then stay the fuck out of it.  This isn't this first time all of this has happened, they do it all the time.  So, I'm done sharing things with people who I can't trust anymore.  It's bullshit and you should be able to trust people that you call your friends, but I guess that people these days are fucking stupid and have to tell everyone, everything that they hear.  Whatever, it was their choice, not mine to share all of this information with the world and so I'm making a choice to keep to myself rather then talk to them.  And then maybe all of these god damned rumors will stop getting started about me by people who claim to call themselves my friends, and peopel who are worried about me and my condition.

Posted at 11/4/2003 10:16:53 pm by SylentScreems
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<< September 2003 >>
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28 29 30


Sitting in the corner,
I see you from the side of my eye,
Wishing you were closer,
Hoping he'll become furthur,
Drowning him with thoughts of you,
Rescue me,
And hold me close,
With arms spread forever,
Maybe it will last this long,
As long as we remember,
This
is just a dream.
-Morgan

To Sam, because I love you...
San Dimas High School Football Rules-The Ataris
Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line.
I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.
We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you.
Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist...
These are the things that make me free
I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me"
This night was too good to be true.
Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me,
I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be.
Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show,
But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go.
Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true?
I just want you to know I have a major crush on you.
I'd drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do
I'd even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you.
I only wish that this could be
Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me
I swear I'd treat you like a queen.

Hands Down By: Dashboard Confessional
Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.
My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here, from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and let you in.
And you stood at the door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.


Fishing For Love -Morgan
Well you hooked my heart,
And you reeled it in,
As you tore me from the hook,
You watched my blood drain out,
Told your friends I wasn't good enough,
And threw me back in.

I.O.U. One Galaxy By: The Ataris
The stars are out tonight,
And you're the brightest one shining in my sky.
It's like every wish I ever made came true.
The day I woke up lying next to you.
Will you be my best friend?
If I offered you my heart?
'Cause it's already yours.
We could hang out every night
and watch the sun go down.
As long as we could watch it rise again.
Gave me a valentine.
It's these little things that stand the test of time.
I've saved the tickets from the shows that we've been to
and a thousand other memories of you.
Will you be my best friend?
If I offered you my heart?
'Cause it's already yours.
Gave you this I.O.U. today,
it said good for one galaxy.
Once I build my rocket to the stars,
we'll fly away just you and me.

I'm so different from them,
They look no further than the surface,
I feel so lonely,sad and scared,
I don't want to die, But I can't take this.
-Morgan


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